Good Enough Read online

  So while on maternity leave I set up my own business, a maternity clothing website, which did well enough for us to buy our first home. And it occurred to me as I watched the ink dry on the contract that I had done this entirely by myself (well, Lee was obviously involved but you get what I’m saying). There was no help from family here or any dumb luck at play there; I set a goal to buy a house for my family to live in, I created something out of nothing and made it happen. Well, let me tell you, I might as well have taken ten tabs of acid for the mindfuck that moment was, and then it occurred to me: if I could do this so easily, what else can I achieve if I put my mind to it?

  Quite a bit, it turns out. Once I get back to work I feel invigorated, like I’ve been pumped full of fresh blood saturated with enough performance-enhancing drugs to put Lance Armstrong to shame. And I use this momentum to launch the next chapter of my career. Over the following 18 months, my post-motherhood ambition inspires me to work my arse off and I’m given two promotions, sign a book deal and become an author/commentator, and launch a magazine in conjunction with Australian Women’s Weekly which is entirely of my own creation. None of this would have happened had I not had Cella and spent those 12 horrid months doing time in full-time mummyland. Today, I’m a freelance journalist, and the editor and creator of The Australian Women’s Weekly Ultimate Guide to Divorce. I have two books under my belt and am currently writing a third, and I appear on TV a couple of times a week while wrangling a feisty four year old. As I write this, I am eight months’ pregnant and absolutely-bloody-exhausted. I’m not telling you this to brag but to set up the question I find I am now being asked on a daily basis: ‘How the hell do you do it? Have you somehow discovered the secret to having it all?’ And my answer, as always, is this: hell no. I’m not even sure that’s possible.

  Since the 70s, Australian women have been sold the notion we can rocket through the so-called glass ceiling and raise a family concurrently and successfully. While I would agree you can certainly do both, I don’t know if you can do it with any great symmetry – one part is always going to suffer the effects of you not being there full time. I always feel like I’m failing at something, and this isn’t entirely my imagination, either. Just today, I missed Cella’s first swim sans floaties at her swimming lesson because I was cooped up in my study writing about my guilt at not always being there (ah, the irony). Recently, my daughter asked me in all seriousness if I would be attending her fourth birthday party and it ripped my heart out.

  I guess the reality of the ‘having it all’ message has hit home for the children of the baby boomers because you might have noticed we’re giving out a very different message to the feministic one we grew up with. Yep, although we have plenty of women in high-powered positions, they all seem, in one way or another, to be sending home the message that we most definitely cannot ‘have it all’ – not like we once thought. When CEO of Yahoo! Marissa Mayer announced her pregnancy at the same time as her appointment to the top role, she didn’t just talk figures and make clear her grand plans to annihilate Google (just for the record, no one ever says, ‘Let’s Yahoo! it’). She was also quick to reassure the world she would only be taking two weeks’ maternity leave before coming back on board full time. Meanwhile, Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, often talks about the struggles of juggling a family and a high-profile job, but what’s often overlooked is that is most working mums don’t have squillion-dollar salaries to assist with childcare options and the running of the household (she earned just under $31 million in 2011 alone thanks to her large salary and stock earnings).

  Elsewhere, Anne-Marie Slaughter, the former director of policy planning at the US State Department, was lambasted by mothers the world over after she wrote a controversial piece for The Atlantic, in which she admitted to stepping off the high-pressure career ladder to return to her tenured position at Princeton University, and thus be more available to her sons. Fair enough, you think, it’s her choice to make, but mothers took her to task over the fact that it was a choice she was financially able to make – most mums don’t ever get that option, and we sure as hell take offence to being told ‘it’s the better way’. Closer to home, Governor-General Quentin Bryce is always at pains to point out to young Australian women that while she believes we can all have family and a career, we can never have it at the same time. So our take-home message from all of this is: if you want to get ahead in your chosen career and be the kind of mother your kids won’t one day refer to through gritted teeth as ‘that woman’, you’d better be earning enough either to employ a full-time nanny, have a partner who is willing and able to be the primary care giver of your children, or find yourself a job in an industry where you can work from home or take large breaks without it affecting your career path.

  If you and I were on a talk show (both in power-dressing shoulder pads, natch), and you asked me what I thought, I would say this: regardless of income, you can definitely have a successful career and be a good mum at the same time – but only if you have a lot of support from your partner, family and boss. It’s as simple, and as difficult, as that. And I’m not just talking shit, either; there’s been a major shift in the way corporations view working mums. In fact, it looks like they’re paying attention to all the latest studies which have found working mums make brilliant staff exactly because they are so damn efficient, organised and driven. They’re less likely to chuck sickies, and according to Forbes, two in five managers believe mothers work faster and multi-task better than their non-kiddy-laden counterparts, while one-third of these managers also believe them to be more motivated and responsible. When they’ll actually follow this up with more jobs that allow for increased flexibility is anyone’s guess, of course.

  I’m a better mother when I’m not doing it 24/7 but working full time obviously isn’t for everyone. Some of my friends are career mums like me; others have had to look for a different groove that suits them. My girlfriend Carolyn tried going back to work but found the juggle so difficult she has since decided to stay at home until the kids go to school. Another friend works three days a week, which only covers her childcare fees for those days, but she does it just to stay on her career ladder, worried if she doesn’t, she’ll be ripped off the step by the talons of someone much younger and hungrier than her. Other friends have left their jobs and started their own businesses, and more than a few mums I know have immediately fallen pregnant again to stay on maternity leave and avoid having to make any kind of firm decision either way. You can’t blame them, really – according to the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute, one-third of Aussie mums return to workplaces that aren’t family friendly, resulting in increased rates of psychological distress. More than half the surveyed mums said they went back sooner than they would have liked, but had to. The best age to return to work according to studies is around the child’s first birthday. Researchers looked at family relationships, household income, vocabulary, reading ability, academic success and behaviour and found that if a mother returned to work before this time, their children were more likely to perform worse at school, a problem that persists throughout their primary school years. There have, however, also been studies revealing that mothers who go back to work before their baby is six months old become warmer parents. Apparently it all comes down to missing their baby during the day or feeling guilty about going to work, then compensating through love and affection when they come home. This isn’t saying stay-at-home mums are unfeeling or unkind, it’s just that because they rarely get a break, they can become more distant. Whatever. It basically comes down to whether you can afford to stay home or if you even want to, plain and simple.

  Now, with maternity leave looming upon me once more, I’m as nervous as ever. Like most mums, I have no idea what’s ahead of me. Will I have another non-sleeper? Will I lose my identity over it all? Will I love it so much I won’t care about work? How I’ll fare is anyone’s guess. As always though, I’m already making plans for my big comeback.

  Wor
k and family – can it be done?

  Feel like you’re constantly letting the balls hit the ground in your daily work/family life juggle? You’re not alone. Kate Sykes, director of Career Mums (careermums.com.au) and author of Career Mums, says it’s common to all of us. ‘The truth is that every working mum has the same struggles – getting enough sleep, the illnesses that come from sending your kid to childcare, maintaining a certain level of professionalism and responsibility at work – they’re all things that eat at us.’ Sounds horrendous, so what the hell do we do about it? Put on a pot of coffee and rest easy for a while it seems, because being a career mum also has many advantages (high five!). ‘It may not seem like much when we’re cranky and tired, but mothers become more resilient, and more efficient and productive at work, with less time for office gossip, social media and meetings that only serve to waste time,’ says Sykes. ‘It’s also worth noting many studies have shown working mums tend to be happier – particularly those who work part time, and why not? By the time we have babies, most of us have been working for a long period and this has become a large part of our identities.’ Okay then, we don’t suck as much as we thought (another high five!), so how can we tip the scales to balance everything and align our chakras and other hippy stuff like that?

  Kate’s tips on juggling the work/family balance

  1. Implement a chores chart and stick it on the fridge, so everyone knows which jobs are up for grabs, and share, share, share!

  2. Pre-cook a few home meals on the weekend and freeze – or purchase a slow cooker so your meals will be ready to go when you arrive home from work.

  3. Regularly check in with your feelings and ask yourself how you’re handling your current work arrangement. If you’re stressed or feeling burnt out, consider talking to your employer about altering your work arrangements for six to 12 months. They can only say no.

  4. If your finances allow for it, invest in a cleaner. It may be worth cutting back on other luxuries to pay for someone to pop over once a fortnight to clean the bathrooms, dust and vacuum.

  5. Learn to say no. Not just to extra work but also to invitations, events and parties. Sometimes it’s worthwhile clearing your weekend calendar so you have one-on-one time with your family (and also give yourself a chance to catch your breath).

  6. Even if finances are tight, try to go on regular family holidays. It might be something as simple as swapping homes with someone (there are many websites that can help with this) or camping somewhere coastal.

  7. Have a ‘not-negotiable’. Mine is exercise most mornings to set me up for the day. Make your ‘not negotiable’ known to your family – they will have to work around this.

  8. Reassess your care arrangements periodically to make sure you are happy. If you are confident in your carers, you won’t be worrying at work.

  Childcare is the best invention, EVER

  The first time I visit a daycare centre I am 12 weeks’ pregnant and desperately seeking a place for the little seahorse growing in my tummy. I’d heard the waiting lists were long, so I thought putting her name down at various centres a good 18 months before she was due to start would be of assistance – and boy, was I kidding myself! ‘Sorry, we don’t have anything for the next two years or so – call us back then,’ says one centre manager, while another tells me not to even bother calling again. From their attitudes, you’d swear these places were actual palaces where the children are served afternoon tea on Wedgwood and fed grapes by hand, but the truth is that some of these places are downright appalling. One centre has what appears to be handfuls of Cheezels smashed into the ratty carpet in a room filled with large mattresses and televisions. It looks like a prison recreation room minus all the carved wooden knives. ‘Oh those,’ says the director, pointing to the televisions in the various rooms I’ve enquired about. ‘They’re just here for rainy days,’ she says quickly before moving onto another derelict room. The whole complex is undercover so I’m at a loss to understand the arrangement. In another centre, I walk in to find all the kids lying on the floor in various corners, bored out of their minds. Some are crying, others are rocking, many are rolling around and there isn’t a single toy or activity in sight. Gobsmacked, I walk up to one of the carers currently enjoying a warm beverage and ask her where everything is. ‘It’s Friday,’ she says, by way of explanation. ‘On Fridays we take all the toys away from the children and disinfect them.’ I stare at her in amazement. ‘So, the kids don’t have anything to play with all day?’ I ask. ‘Well they have us!’ she says, coming over all defensive, and I back slowly out of the room trying hard not to cry. Still, I can’t help but feel sorry for the unsmiling carers in these centres, too, because I read somewhere that poor-quality childcare is, in fact, linked to depression in practitioners. A US researcher recently argued that up to a quarter of childcare workers in Australia and the US suffer from depression, which as you can imagine, is quite detrimental to the children under their care. ‘Miss Suki, where is the play dough?’ ‘You know what, Billy? When the sun swallows the Earth and drowns us all like I hope it will, it won’t bloody matter where the play dough is, will it?’ Cheerful stuff.

  Still, cost-wise, it’s worth pointing out if you work full time these places are about the same as sending your child to a private school (childcare costs are soaring faster than the rate of inflation; with the national average hitting 10 per cent, Melbourne a staggering 15 per cent), so by the time I drop by the centre that will eventually become Cella’s daycare, I am feeling more than a little depressed myself over the possibility of paying $100 a day to send my child to some shithole. Fortunately, the Child Care Rebate is not means tested which means that as long as the centre is accredited, there is a 50% subsidy for anyone up to $7500. Having said that, it’s still a hell of a lot of money.

  But when I arrive at this place, I am immediately struck at the difference between daycare centres: this place is a nirvana! The director, Joanne, greets me at the door with a friendly, open manner and shows me through myriad large, airy rooms filled with happy children playing (they have toys, so that’s a start). And not just regular toys, either; we’re talking pieces that are made from sustainable wood and natural fibres – this really appeals to me. ‘We’re what you would call a “green” centre,’ explains Joanne. ‘We don’t allow our kids to play with plastic toys and we don’t serve food or drink on any kind of tableware that contains bisphenol A.’ Once we’ve finished taking the tour of the centre, she sits me down and gives me an opportunity to read over their ‘summer menu’, which is loaded with mouth-watering dishes such as Tuna Sukiyaki and plum meatballs with soba noodles and greens. Well, I’ll be damned. I’m guessing the Cheezel-covered daycare centre doesn’t provide this kind of food, and my chat with Joanne brings home the message that you need to do your research before you place your baby on a centre’s list.

  Securing a spot for your darling is merely half the battle, however – any mother who’s been through the childcare maze will know what I mean. It’s only once you have a place for them that the guilt sets in and plays endlessly with your mind. Are you doing the right thing? Will the carers look after your baby as well as you hope? Will your child grow up to have LOVE/HATE tattooed on her knuckles and a meth dealer by the name of Wayne waiting for her on the outside, all because you left her to languish in a festy, Cheezel-covered playroom while you dashed for cash in a clean, cool, air-conditioned office? As with anything in the minefield of child rearing, some mums sure as hell seem to think so. ‘Mothers should be at home looking after their kids!’ they yell, one fist in the air as they spoonfeed another mouthful of organic berry and mango purée they whizzed up that morning into their child’s mouth. ‘And really, why bother having children if you aren’t going to look after them yourself?’ Obviously, this isn’t a sentiment expressed by all stay-at-home mums; more often than not, it’s the type of drivel we hear from ageing radio shock jocks. All well and good to question other mums’ motives, but does anyone have a solution to the
old conundrum of how on Earth are you supposed to get by on one income and pay an exorbitant mortgage in the meantime? Didn’t think so. Let’s just sit down, pour a glass of wine and accept that we all have a differing set of needs and choices. Making women feel guilty for things that may or may not be within their control helps no one.

  But just to play devil’s advocate briefly, who’s right and who’s wrong? There’s so much misinformation about the subject being bandied about, I don’t know what to believe anymore. Will my child grow up to become the Wayne lover with the prison ink, or just another well-adjusted adult like most other kids who come from a safe and loving family home? Infuriatingly, the academics are split and what you choose to believe depends on which study you subscribe to. Some studies have linked long daycare to various behavioural problems; other studies have failed to find a link at all, while some have gone in the opposite direction and claimed attending daycare increases self-confidence, independence and self-esteem (interestingly, you rarely see any studies on the suffering of home-reared children, but I digress . . .) For example, according to one research paper, the amount of time a child spends in daycare increases the risk they’ll be disruptive at school, with one researcher declaring care kids having more temper tantrums and behavioural problems, including frustration, screaming, moodiness and the inability to settle consistently with one toy. Sounds like an average teenager to me, but what would I know? Meanwhile another study (the one I’m choosing to go with) has found children who have spent considerable time in long daycare have greater social skills, independence and are often more advanced in their development levels than other children. They claim advantages include the chance to socialise with other children (a bonus if they’re an only child) and opportunities to practise their language and learn social skills, and if it’s high-quality childcare the academic benefits can last into high school. On the flipside, they reckon children who spent the most hours in childcare had a slightly greater tendency toward impulsiveness and risk-taking at 15 than teens who had spent less time in childcare. So they’re probably more likely to become crack fiends at a relatively young age – excellent!