Good Enough Read online

  It sounds like a hopeless situation, I know, but it’s not all shades of grey as it might initially seem. If you read between the lines of all of these studies, it quickly becomes obvious that children do best when they are loved to bits and showered with attention, whether it’s at home with a mother or father who genuinely enjoys being at home with them (and let’s be honest, not all of us do), or a wonderful carer who loves their job and takes pride in their work. An important study was done recently, conducting stress level tests in children in various types of care by measuring their cortisol levels, a naturally occurring hormone. When our stress levels rise we produce more cortisol to provide the energy we need to cope. The researchers tested a little boy who was at home with his mum, a little girl who went to a small family daycare twice a week and another kid who attended long daycare three times a week, and found there was little difference in their stress levels. So perhaps the trick is doing your homework and finding the right place for your kids’ needs (and preferably one that does not employ the type of carers who might pray for the drowning of the Earth).

  Perhaps I got lucky, but I love Cella’s childcare centre. I don’t just love it a little, I mean I love it so much I could drop my pants and make love to the doors, it’s that bloody brilliant. While I’ve had a rough day at the office, managing to quickly swallow a tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch, Cella will have dined on some kind of elaborate Tetsuya-inspired degustation menu, learned songs in Cantonese, Spanish and Thai and had a ball painting a gallery with her likeminded friends. And it’s not like I miss out on anything, either – when I come to pick her up at the end of the day, the events of her past nine hours are documented blow by blow onscreen and presented to me lovingly in PDF format. Cella does a poo? Not only will I have the opportunity to enjoy the photographic recording of the event, I will read a short novella on shape, colour, size and consistency. I’ll say one thing – her carers are far more switched on than I could ever be. There are still slip-ups, of course – I often forget to buy other kids chocolate eggs at Easter while Cella comes home with bagfuls of treats, and I’ve been known to miss parent-teacher meetings occasionally and when I do turn up and they ask me about my objectives for my four-year-old this year, I deadpan, ‘Um, I don’t know . . . master quantum physics?’ Are they serious? I’d be happy just to see her stop picking her nose. Still, despite my failings, I am clearly doing the right thing. Cella adores childcare and is a very happy child, and I adore working and am a very happy mum and so far, so good. And if I ever have a moment where I get an attack of the guilts (it happens from time to time), I remind myself that there’s far worse out there, and if all else fails, I know that at the age of four, my daughter is not going to remember the little things. That’s one thing a study doesn’t have to guarantee.

  Childcare equals prison? Discuss

  So how do you find the right childcare centre for your child, and how often should you send them? They’re probably just two of the hundreds of questions buzzing around your mind as you navigate this next step, but Ruth Powell, parenting and childcare consultant and author of Choosing Child Care (choosingchildcare.com.au), says going by your intuition about what’s right for your family can often take the guesswork out of the childcare puzzle. ‘Be honest with yourself about what would be your ideal amount of time for your child in care and why,’ she says. ‘If you are worried about the amount of time your child will spend in the centre, think outside the box for solutions that you feel happy with – for example, can you arrange to have a short day sometimes (or regularly) to allow you to pick your child up early and do something fun together?’ And what of the guilt and stress that can set in when your little one first starts? ‘It’s natural to feel this way and it’s often more comfortable for both the child and the parents if you ease them into it slowly.’ Powell suggests starting off with visits to the centre together before putting your child in for short days initially until they settle in.

  The advantages of a high-quality childcare centre include:

  * Guidance. Both the child and parent have access to guidance from experienced staff who have a sound understanding of child development.

  * Socialisation. As the child begins to explore the world of socialising, a quality childcare centre will not only have an abundance of friends for your child to play with, but most importantly will have the room set up to support the learning and exploration of sharing and taking turns. The program and rooms will change and grow with the children as the play develops. This, of course, would also be true for other areas of development.

  * The rhythm of the day. A rhythm (or routine) in the room, which is catering for a group of children, is essential for its smooth running, as long as it is not too rigid. This is good news for parents, as young children love routine and to know what is happening next.

  * Extended family. Staff get to know your child extremely well and build up a lovely relationship with him or her – similar to that of an aunty, which is really special.

  * Supporting families. If using a childcare centre enables parents to put food on the table, pay the rent/mortgage and/or continue a career, this is, of course, great for your family. Knowing that your child can be well cared for while you do what your family needs/chooses to do gives you peace of mind.

  Disadvantages of childcare centres:

  * Socialisation. Babies/younger children do not need peer socialisation so much as the carer’s time and spontaneous attention and guidance. This has the potential to be compromised by child/staff ratios in a childcare centre. Ask the centre management how they balance this one-on-one attention and guidance with your child in the group setting.

  * Busy setting. A minority of children may also find a busy group setting overwhelming. If your child attends a good-quality centre and you are having ongoing concerns with him or her settling in, it may be worth considering whether this could be the case. If so, there are other options – such as family daycare. My advice is to listen to the advice of others, but always go with your parental gut feeling (just check it is not coming from guilt or fear). It will never let you down!

  Ruth’s top ten tips on how to choose the right childcare centre

  1. First, be clear with yourself about what is important to you for your child. It is okay if this changes as you investigate and learn more about centres, but do some research and have some idea.

  2. Ask yourself if the centre has a relaxed, calm atmosphere when you enter. Do you feel welcome from the moment you arrive? Are you given information to take home and read to help make your decision?

  3. Expect to be shown around the whole centre. You should be encouraged to stay for a while with your child if you wish. Ask if this is not offered immediately – what is the response like?

  4. Watch how the staff interact with both the group as a whole and the children individually – again, is it in a relaxed, calm manner, with the focus on guiding the children, as opposed to being authoritarian?

  5. Are the children’s interactions with the staff spontaneous and relaxed/loving?

  6. Has the centre been successfully accredited with the Australian Children’s Education and Care Quality Authority?

  7. Check whether the centre has an open-door policy, meaning you are able to stay a while before drop-off or after pick-up or come in to visit during the day.

  8. Does the centre have a ‘non-contact director’ whose job it is to oversee the running of the centre and therefore is not also responsible for the running of a room? Are there extra staff above the mandatory child/staff ratio?

  9. Ask about the centre’s behaviour management policy – does it suit your values? It should always be based on a positive behaviour guidance model.

  10. Ask about the programming – are the children programmed individually and as a group? How much programming time do the staff receive?

  What to avoid:

  * Centres that appear disorganised and chaotic. Give them a chance, but if you keep getting that feeling, it’s time to
walk away.

  * Avoid centres where the majority of the toys/climbing equipment appears old or unsafe.

  * Avoid a centre if the staff speak to the children in an authoritarian manner or do not speak to the children with respect.

  I let my kid play in mud (and occasionally eat it)

  The bottle is slapped on the table before I even get a chance to sit down, its presence dominating the assortment of salt and pepper shakers and flat whites in delicate cups. Not just any bottle, a king-sized value bottle that could last a large family an eternity or two. It’s serious; it means business. I watch silently as my friend Andrea positions herself in the chair opposite me and picks up the bottle to squirt large dollops of heavy-duty hand sanitiser into her daughter’s hands lest she touch anything with her dirty, unhygienic mitts. As always I roll my eyes but keep quiet. You have to know when to fold.

  Originally from South America, Andrea is always fastidiously cleaning. If she’s not sanitising, she’s wiping, or washing, or changing her daughter’s outfits. It’s a long-running joke in our mothers’ group that if she were ever to take part in one of those ‘The contents of my handbag’ stories you regularly see in women’s lifestyle magazines, you wouldn’t find lipstick, a mobile phone and some keys, but rather, bottles of bleach, wipes, Borax and lemons. Looking down at my own daughter sitting next to me, it is clear I don’t share Andrea’s passion for cleanliness. Cella, as always, is covered in dirt, her pigtails messily clinging to her dewy cheeks – the result of a good morning running around the park and climbing trees like a monkey. I have no idea where her hands have been but I offer her half my smoked salmon bagel anyway.

  Quick as a flash, Andrea reaches over and stops Cella from grabbing the bagel. ‘Miss Cella!’ she says sternly in her heavy accent. ‘Your mummy would be very upset with you if you didn’t clean up before you eat!’ she adds as she pours another large dollop into my daughter’s tiny hands. News to me, because Mummy wouldn’t actually give a shit. I raise my eyebrows, claw my hungry child back and thrust the bagel into her hands. ‘Andrea, really, she’s fine,’ I say, more than a little annoyed at her over-parenting my own child. ‘She needs to build up her immunity to germs.’ Andrea looks at me in total amazement that I could even say such a thing. ‘Well, you know what, Dilvin? That’s BULLSHIT!’ she says, eyes darkening like storm clouds. ‘I’m telling you, if you don’t wash her hands with disinfectant before she eats, she will get diseases and then she will die.’ She slams her hands on the table as she talks, making all the people around us in the cafe turn to stare. I could argue, but I know Andrea grew up in a poor village where disease means a lot more than the odd achey stomach and soft bowel movements anything similar might produce here, so I stay silent. ‘I’m telling you, Dilvin, they’ll get sick and die,’ she reiterates from over the rim of her coffee cup, eyes like slits. I make a mental note never to fuck with her.

  If we’re talking about all things sanitised, I’ll proudly admit I’m right at the other end of the spectrum. I’m a big believer in allowing kids to make mud pies, eat soil, get really dirty and bathe in the sea. It’s healthy for them; it helps them build immunity. Of course, if I were to admit my past catalogue of ‘sins’ to Andrea, she might be tempted to run off to kiss a statue of the sweet baby Jesus that Cella isn’t already dead yet. Truly, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve caught Cella licking the pole in the train carriage or the handle on a supermarket trolley – and believe me, I’m aware these things carry minuscule particles of human faeces thanks to people not washing their hands properly after using the bathroom.

  In fact, while I’m confessing, it would be remiss of me not to mention the fact I also ate peanut butter throughout my pregnancy and thought nothing of giving Cella peanut butter sandwiches and toast soon after she began solids. And once, I got into quite a heated verbal altercation at the local park with an obviously OCD mum after she took great offence at my baby covering herself head to toe in wet soil, and accused me of being a bad mother. Her baby was in a pristine white dress and shoes which had clearly never touched the ground and I could immediately tell she was not the kind of person who’d put her child down on the grass to have a play unless there was a very large cashmere rug and some electric fencing in place. Cella, by comparison, was having an absolute ball, touching and squelching, squealing and mulching.

  ‘Am I really a bad mother?’ I tearfully ask my mothers’ group when we meet up later that afternoon. ‘I’m just giving her the exact childhood experiences we had when we were growing up and it’s not like any of us got really sick from a little dirt!’ Fortunately, the girls in my group are absolute gold and come immediately to my emotional rescue. ‘Oh, it’s not like you were beating her black and blue because she didn’t ask you for her water in French!’ says one. ‘That bitch is crazy – if you see her again, point her out and I’ll key her car,’ whispers another. Just as I start to feel that my reputation as a perfectly respectable mother is intact, one mum pipes up. ‘I can see where she’s coming from in a way, these are some very different times we’re living in.’ A quick show of hands some five minutes later reveals 70 per cent of the women in our group now carry hand sanitiser in their handbags. ‘There’re just so many harmful germs out there, it kinda freaks me out!’ exclaims one mum as she fanatically shakes the bottle and squirts a little into her hand, shuddering at all the disgusting things that could be crawling all over her right at this point. Hmm, I guess we really are living in different times.

  If you’re a child of the 70s or 80s (or perhaps even earlier), you may distinctly remember trotting off to school with your lunchbox stuffed with white bread sandwiches and foods quite likely to contain nuts. During the daily marble match at recess you’d talk a classmate into swapping their jam sandwich for your peanut butter one and as far as anyone can recall, no one died. No one suddenly swelled up and stopped breathing. The bell would ring, you’d make a quick mental note to exchange a few firm words with your mum when you got home about giving you the same sandwich every day of the week, and then you’d go to class to glue some more cotton wool onto paper for a few more hours. Aside from the token unpopular person getting beaten up behind the school sheds, everybody made it home in one piece. This isn’t happening anymore.

  Somewhere between the good old days of the 80s and now, something has gone horribly wrong. It’s estimated that one in ten Australian infants now suffers from a food allergy, with nuts, eggs, milk or soy causing 90 per cent of these allergies (peanut allergy is more common in older children). Australians are reporting food allergies at a rate higher than any other country in the world. Scientists are aware that children who have at least one family member with an allergenic disease such as asthma or eczema have a 20–40 per cent higher chance of developing a food allergy, but they’re at a loss as to explain exactly why allergies are rising in prevalence and severity, or why it’s even happening at all.

  Many schools have now banned everyday lunchtime staples such as eggs, nuts, peanut butter, mayonnaise, muesli bars, strawberries, kiwifruit and, in some cases, bananas, in an effort to protect the children within their care who have a severe allergy. Canteens won’t stock them either (although remarkably, may still peddle those factory-separated chicken items masquerading as food products, so go figure). Medical experts and interest groups are arguing that risk-management strategies such as speaking to your kids about the dangers of sharing food (food sharing is discouraged in schools as it is, but kids often find ways around it), and encouraging them to wash their hands and mouth after lunch, would be far more effective in preventing cross-contamination, rather than outright banning certain foods.

  Science has some ‘ideas’ as to what might be happening, and how you feel about it really depends on the state of your living room as you currently read this. If your home is so spotless you could eat off the floor, there’s a chance you may feel a searing disappointment that you’ve ever bothered spending all that time dousing the joint with Spray n’ Wipe,
but if la casa errs on the side of ‘crack den’ like mine, this news will be uplifting enough for you to fist-pump the air and go and have sex with your husband in those sheets that should really have been laundered a week ago. The main argument as to why we’re having this rise in allergies comes down to the hygiene hypothesis – that exposure early in life to substances that cause allergies reduces the risk of developing allergies by boosting immunity. Basically? If you cocoon your children by constantly cleaning, washing and disinfecting their homes and their life (big bottle of hand sanitiser I’m talking to YOU), you will stop the proper development of their immune system. And so the more sterile the environment your child is living in, the less their immune system has to do. Cella, by all accounts, should fully expect to be as strong as an ox and live to 120.