Good Enough Page 24
* Stake out other parents whose children attend the schools you’re interested in and ask them their opinions. What aspects are negative? What are positive? What would they change about the school if they could?
* Speak to students who go to the schools you’re looking at (open days are great for this). Just be careful how you phrase your questions. A simple, ‘Are you happy?’ will often only result in a standard teenage monosyllabic response, for example, so try asking them questions that are slightly out of the box, such as: ‘What’s the most interesting thing that happened to you today?’ or ‘ What has been the best part of your day so far?’
* Use your gut instinct. If there’s any part of you that feels uneasy about a school, there’s probably a good reason for it – even if you don’t know what that is yet.
* Check the school’s socio-economic background – does it have a diverse population? Innovation doesn’t often happen in nice middle-class schools where everyone’s doing well but it does happen in tougher schools.
* Checking how a school performed academically last year online might feel like it’s giving you some kind of safety net, but it’s not very accurate. Every school has their good years and their bad years and sometimes how well the students do can be a real fluke.
Jane Caro has these final words of advice: ‘If you’re desperate to send your kids to a private school and can’t afford it, remember this: sending your kids to a public school can only ever be a win/win situation for mum and dad. If your child does well there, everyone will say, “Wow! You must be the best parents!” If your child does badly, they’ll say, “Well of course, it’s a bad school.” If you send your child to a private school, however, and your child does well, you’ll hear, “Well of course, it’s a good school!” And if your child flunks? “Wow, you must be really rubbish parents.” That’s what we call a lose/lose situation. At least with the first scenario, you get all of the credit and none of the blame!’
Here we go again
Months have passed since I finished writing this book, and as I sit here going through the editing process, my 14-week-old baby girl Ivy is fast asleep in my arms. Just when things were beginning to get easier and I thought I was out of the woods, I’ve suddenly been thrown back into a world of pink onesies, childcare tours, and horrifically expensive baby gear. I could complain – after all, early motherhood is still as competitive as ever – but this time, I’ve chosen to opt out of the race. This time, I haven’t bothered with attending mothers’ groups or shopping in expensive boutiques for overpriced designer pinafores. I don’t check times, do routines, read baby rearing books or compare my little one’s milestones against anyone else’s. I just spend time enjoying my baby. Because it’s really only now, after everything I’ve been through, that I understand what an honour being a mother is, and I’m just so thrilled to be given the opportunity to do it all over again.
Notes
I have an elective caesarean (and I love it)
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12. So here’s what I know about caesarean births so far: I know the rate of Australian women having them is skyrocketing . . . : Li, Z, Zeki, R, Hilder, L & Sullivan, EA, 13 December 2012, Australia’s Mothers and Babies, 2010, www.aihw.gov.au
12. It’s more prevalent in private hospitals (27 per cent) than in public (18 per cent) . . . : Vogel, Sarah, 23 January 2013, The Rise of Caesarean Births in Australia, www.ausmed.com.au
I get really bloody depressed
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28. The people at Australia’s national depression initiative, beyondblue, reckon they have the answer for this . . . : beyondblue, August 2012, Stigma and Discrimination Associated with Depression and Anxiety, www.beyondblue.org.au
35. Postnatal depression in men is on the rise . . . : Cooper, Dani, 26 April 2012, Fathers at Risk of Postnatal Depression, www.abc.net.au
Co-sleeping, moi?
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40. I’m aware there are benefits of co-sleeping; several studies have demonstrated . . . : SIDS and Kids, 2007, Information Statement: Sleeping with a Baby, www.sidsandkids.org
40. I’m aware there are benefits of co-sleeping; several studies have demonstrated . . . : Parent-Infant Research Institute & Infant Clinic, January 2008, Co-Sleeping, www.piri.org.au
42. I might be feeling alone in my ‘hippy’ ways right now but one study has found 80 per cent of babies . . . : Western Australia Department of Health, December 2012, Strategies to Reduce Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), www.health.wa.gov.au
I fall into the ‘bodies after babies’ trap
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50. A study recently revealed it takes the average woman more than a whole year to get her pre-baby body back . . . : Paxman, Lauren, ‘Women need a whole year to recover from childbirth despite the “fantasy” image of celebrity mothers, study claims’, Daily Mail, 17 February 2012, www.dailymail.co.uk
I go all Ku Klux Klan when naming my children
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57. Recently, a study came out stating what most people from non-English-speaking backgrounds already knew . . . : Jacquemet, Nicolas & Yannelis, Constantine, ‘Indiscriminate Discrimination: A Correspondence Test for Ethnic Homophily in the Chicago Labor Market’, Labour Economics, vol. 19, no. 6, 2012, hal.archives-ouvertes.fr
57. Study after countless study has shown the name you’re given can have a profound effect on you which reverberates well into your adult years . . . : Aol Jobs, January 2011, Does Your Name Spell Success?, jobs.aol.com
57. Study after countless study has shown the name you’re given can have a profound effect on you which reverberates well into your adult years . . . : Bryner, Jeanna, 13 June 2010, Good or Bad, Baby Names Have Long-lasting Effects, www.livescience.com
58. In one study, when people were asked how they thought a student with a certain name would do academically . . . : Welsh, Jennifer, 1 June 2011, Your Name Impacts How Others Judge You, www.livescience.com
I love breastfeeding (but it’s not for everyone)
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65. It’s worth pointing out that the breastfeeding initiation rate in Australian . . . : Department of Health, Breastfeeding, 27 February 2013, www.health.gov.au/breastfeeding
66–7. One nursing and midwifery expert announced not long ago that the government should make baby formula available on doctor’s prescription only . . . : Mandal, Dr Ananya, 23 September 2010, Prescription Only Baby Formula Proposal, www.news-medical.net
67. A counsellor from the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA) went one better recently, associating formula feeding with AIDS . . . : Barker, Robin, 3 September 2012, Formula companies hijacking infant feeding, www.abc.net.au
When I think about the cost of having kids, I vomit a little bit in my mouth
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73. I’m nowhere near the only person on the face of the planet who has thought this, because a recent study has revealed . . . : Alderman, Jason, 11 September 2006, Plan ahead to avoid financial ‘baby blues’, www.practicalmoneyskills.com
76. According to a detailed report published recently by AMP. NATSEM . . . : Percival, Richard, Payne, Alicia, Harding, Ann & Abello, Annie, December 2007, Honey I Calculated the Kids . . . It’s $537,000: Australian Child Costs in 2007, www.natsem.canberra.edu.au
I employ a pink ban
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83. Various studies have put kids aged nought to two under the pump and discovered there is no colour preference in this age group . . . : Beckford, Martin, ‘Girls prefer pink from age two’, The Telegraph, 9 September 2011, www.telegraph.co.uk
83. Various studies have put kids aged nought to two under the pump and discovered there is no colour preference in this age group . . . : Masters, Coco, ‘Study: why girls like pink’, Time, 20 August 2007, content.time.com
84. Researchers reckon they can identify a gender divide with the preference of the toys we enjoy straight from babyhood . . . : Alexander, Gerianne & Hines, Melissa, ‘Sex differences in response to children’s toys in nonhuman primates (Cercopithecus ae
thiops sabaeus)’, Evolution of Human Behavior, vol. 23, 2002, academic.evergreen.edu
84. Researchers reckon they can identify a gender divide with the preference of the toys we enjoy straight from babyhood . . . : British Psychological Society, ‘Children less than a year old already favour gender-typical toys’, Medical News Today, 16 April 2010, www.medicalnewstoday.com
I blow a small fortune on children’s clothes
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93. We’re all shopping like mad for our kids like we never have before with the average British three-month-old . . . : Daily Mail Reporter, ‘Average baby wardrobe has 56 outfits as parents try to emulate Harper Beckham’, Daily Mail, 30 October 2013, www.dailymail.co.uk
93. We’re all shopping like mad for our kids like we never have before with the average British three-month-old . . . : Totting Up the Cost – M&S Calls on Parents to ‘Shwop’ Baby Clothes, press release, Marks & Spencer, United Kingdom, 30 October 2012, corporate.marksandspencer.com
93. These stats fit in quite nicely with research from IBISWorld . . . : Bronshteyn, Alla, June 2010, IBISWorld industry report 45391: pet stores in the US, www.marketresearch.com
94. This might help explain a British study which revealed a third of all mothers would spend 100 pounds . . . : London, Bianca, ‘94% of mothers spend more on their child’s wardrobe than their own (and nearly half feel guilty about spending money on clothes for themselves)’, Daily Mail, 30 July 2012, www.dailymail.co.uk
Motherhood brings out my ugly side
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107. In fact, an Australian study has found such groups have the power to make mothers feel even more guilty than usual . . . : Rueters, Playgroup makes some mums feel guilty, 30 October 2009, www.abc.net.au
108. If you think it’s just you, or the area you live in, it’s not. A recent UK study found . . . : Salkeld, Luke, ‘School gate battle for the competitive mums as two thirds admit to trying to out do each other’, Daily Mail, 15 June 2010, www.dailymail.co.uk
I hate maternity leave
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120. In fact, it looks like they’re paying attention to all the latest studies which have found working mums make brilliant staff . . . : Pynchon, Victoria, ‘Working mothers make better employees but less money’, Forbes, 2 October 2013, www.forbes.com
121. You can’t blame them, really – according to the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute, one-third of Aussie mums . . . : Murdoch Children’s Research Institute, Discovery, no. 36, March 2011, www.mcri.edu.au
121. You can’t blame them, really – according to the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute, one-third of Aussie mums . . . : Adonis, James, ‘A mother of a problem?’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 16 March 2012, www.smh.com.au
121. There have, however, also been studies revealing that mothers who go back to work before their baby is six months old become warmer parents . . . : Bita, Natasha, ‘Short break, closer bond for mother, baby’, The Advertiser, 16 November 2012, www.news.com.au
Childcare is the best invention, EVER
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126. A US researcher recently argued that up to a quarter of childcare workers in Australia and the US suffer from depression . . . : ‘Depressed childcare staff a risk’, The Australian, 26 May 2007, www.theaustralian.com.au
128. Some studies have linked long daycare to various behavioural problems . . . : ‘Childcare kids spit the dummy’, The Daily Telegraph, 28 November 2011, www.dailytelegraph.com.au
128. For example, according to one research paper, the amount of time a child spends in daycare increases the risk they’ll be disruptive at school . . . : Farouque, Farah, ‘Day care likely to cause disruptive behaviour: study’, The Age, 27 March 2007, www.theage.com.au
128. Meanwhile another study (the one I’m choosing to go with) has found children who have spent considerable time in long daycare have greater social skills . . . : Early Childhood Australia, April 2007 – US study into effects of long day care on developing children, 4 September 2013, www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au
129. An important study was done recently, conducting stress level tests in children in various types of care . . . : Early Childhood Australia, April 2008 – Stress levels of children in child care, 4 September 2013, www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au
I let my kid play in mud (and occasionally eat it)
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138. It’s estimated that one in ten Australian infants now suffers from a food allergy . . . : Davey, Melissa, ‘Allergies on rise and more severe’, The Age, 7 September 2012, www.theage.com.au
138. It’s estimated that one in ten Australian infants now suffers from a food allergy . . . : Murdoch Childrens Research Institute, Allergy Seminar, www.mcri.edu.au
140. A University of Michigan study recently linked the use of triclosan . . . : University of Michigan, ‘Being too clean may lead to allergies, study suggests’, Global Dialogue Foundation, 29 November 2010, www.globaldialoguefoundation.org
I’m hopeless at playtime
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147. According to researcher types who have many letters after their names on their business cards, playtime is a vital tool . . . : Department of Family & Community Services, Caring for Kids: A Guide for Foster, Relative and Kinship Carers, June 2013, www.community.nsw.gov.au
147. Fortunately I then came across a research article that states . . . : Ungar, Michael, 24 June 2012, Let Kids be Bored (Occasionally), www.psychologytoday.com
147. Fortunately I then came across a research article that states . . . : Carter, Christine, 15 July 2013, It’s Summertime: Let’s Play!, greatergood.berkeley.edu
I smacked my kid
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156. If you think it’s okay to give the rugrats a little smack when they misbehave, you’re certainly not alone . . . : Smacking Ban, video, Behind the News, Adelaide, 6 August 2013, www.abc.net.au
156. If you think it’s okay to give the rugrats a little smack when they misbehave, you’re certainly not alone . . . : Howe, Megan, 14 October 2010, The Impact of a Smack, www.australiandoctor.com.au
157. In fact, one of the biggest studies done on this subject has shown that children who are spanked, slapped, grabbed or shoved . . . : Berry, Sarah, ‘Smacking linked to mental disorders’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 23 July 2013, www.smh.com.au
157. Another study published in the Medical Journal of Australia declared school-aged children . . . : Munro, Peter, ‘The polarising politics of a “good” spanking’, The Age, 23 August 2009, www.theage.com.au
157. Add to that the strong evidence that smacking kids isn’t actually effective . . . : Winder, Kelly, 2013, Smacking Children – Is Smacking Children Okay?, www.bellybelly.com.au
Immunisations are the best thing ever (and no one can convince me otherwise)
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164. For the record, I can see why these parents have their concerns: it all goes back to a ‘groundbreaking’ 1998 British study claiming . . . : Harris, Gardiner, ‘Journal retracts 1998 paper linking autism to vaccines’, The New York Times, 2 February 2010, www.mytimes.com
166. Studies by the Federal Health Department, CSIRO and the National Centre for Immunisation Research and Surveillance shows . . . : Corderoy, Amy, ‘Lower vaccine rates put wealthy areas at risk of disease’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 11 April 2013, www.smh.com.au
167. The rate of which whooping cough has begun appearing in these areas? Three hundred per cent more than elsewhere in Australia . . . : Hansen, Jane, ‘Doctors warn parents to keep newborns at home as whooping cough epidemic escalates’, The Sunday Telegraph, 15 May, 2011, www.news.com.au
167. That’s not to say there aren’t side effects – they can happen, but most are mild . . . : ninemsn, Immunisation, 23 June 2006, health.ninemsn.com.au
167. The risk of encephalitis as a side effect of the MMR vaccine is around one in a million. To put this into context, in a measles epidemic . . . : Gold, Ronald, MD and the Canadian Paediatric Society, Your Child’s Best Shot, A parent’s guide to vaccination, 3rd edition
, 2006.
I’m a helicopter parent
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173–4. A recent Australian study found parents who are overprotective and constantly monitor their child’s progress . . . : Macquarie University, ‘New study shows “Helicopter parenting” makes for anxious children’, 14 August 2012, www.mq.edu.au
176. In a recent poll Australians were asked if they thought today’s parents were too overprotective . . . : Dagge, John, ‘Former teacher Kevin Donnelly says parents need to stop wrapping their kids in cotton wool’, Sunday Herald Sun, 29 July 2012, www.news.com.au
I constantly lie to my child to make life easier
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185. According to research, there’s also a strong link between using food rewards such as cake and lollies, and obesity . . . : O’Brien, Susie, ‘Parents bribing their kids into becoming fat’, Herald Sun, 1 June 2012, www.adelaidenow.com.au
Two of my babies die back-to-back
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199. The gold that is sure to put the 55,000 women who miscarry every year at ease . . . : Huggies Australia, Prevent Miscarriage, 2013, www.huggies.com.au
I take regular time out from my family
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207. Seeing their mum engage positively with her own friends, and the world, is vital for girls’ emotional development according to researchers . . . : Singh, Lakshmi, ‘What do good mothers do differently’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 11 May 2012, www.smh.com.au
208. According to a recent survey, Australian mums only get around 40 minutes of ‘me time’ a day . . . : Marcus, Caroline, ‘Mums only get 40 minutes of “me time”’, The Sunday Telegraph, 4 March 2012, www.dailytelegraph.com.au
I buy loads of useless crap to compensate for my many failures
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216. According to recent research, the average Australian child now has more than 100 toys . . . : McCrindle Research, Generation Z, Toys, and the Cost of Parenting, 2008, www.mccrindle.com.au